The Unsinkables

I recently caught the end of The Titanic.

Quite possibly... The Worst. Movie. Ever. Really.

It is ridiculously overblown, melodramatic, and unrealistic. I don't know why it irks me so much. I suppose I'm far too practical to get swept up in the unlikelihood of a street boy (Jack) knowing how to thwart every possible snafu when on a sinking cruise ship as if that were his full-time career. I cannot believe Rose gets off a lifeboat. I cannot believe Old Woman Rose drops the necklace in the water. She really is senile. I cannot believe she had 87 photos of her life on an exploration ship. I love musical theater because it is supposed to be cheesy. This movie took itself way too seriously.

I got to thinking about how much more campy and fun the movie could have been. Suppose the cast from The Love Boat was on-board the Titanic. Can you see Julie passing out squirt guns for a water fight? Or perhaps teaching an ice carving workshop? Doc swearing that if that woman takes off her heavy coat and gown she'll float much better? He'd throw in a personal exam, too. Isaac mixing up a few hot toddies to take the chill off. Gopher... what, what did Gopher do again? Oh, Gopher would be campaigning for the Senate. And of course Capt. Stubing, I think he would have had a romance with Molly Brown. I can see Kathy Bates and Gavin McLeod dining at the Captain's table followed by a quick whirl around the dance floor.

I think it would be so much more poignant to have a thwarted romance with the Captain, as he must go down with the ship. Can't ya just see it? The Love Boat would NOT be complete without a guest appearance by Charro. How could the henchman who kept trying to keep Rose and Jack apart take himself seriously with a half-dressed Charro coochie-cooching him? Then I would be laughing not screaming at the movie. I could accept every implausibility and suspend my disbelief.

The potential for a sequel would be so much more promising.

Gilligan's Iceberg, anyone?