February 19, 2009

The Unsinkables

I recently caught the end of The Titanic.

Quite possibly... The Worst. Movie. Ever. Really.

It is ridiculously overblown, melodramatic, and unrealistic. I don't know why it irks me so much. I suppose I'm far too practical to get swept up in the unlikelihood of a street boy (Jack) knowing how to thwart every possible snafu when on a sinking cruise ship as if that were his full time career. I cannot believe Rose gets off a lifeboat. I cannot believe Old Woman Rose drops the necklace in the water. She really is senile. I cannot believe she had 87 photos of her life on a exploration ship. I love musical theater because it is SUPPOSED to be cheesy. This movie took itself way too seriously.

I got to thinking how much more campy and fun the movie COULD have been. Suppose the cast from The Love Boat was on-board the Titanic. Can you see Julie passing out squirt guns for a water fight? Or perhaps teaching an ice carving workshop? Doc swearing that if that woman takes off her heavy coat and gown she'll float much better? He'd throw in a personal exam, too. Isaac mixing up a few hot toddies to take the chill off. Gopher... what, what did Gopher do again? Oh Gopher would be campaigning for the Senate. And of course Capt. Stubing, I think he would have had a romance with Molly Brown. I can see Kathy Bates and Gavin McLeod dining at the Captain's table followed by a quick whirl around the dance floor.

I think it would be so much more poignant to have a thwarted romance with the Captain, as he must go down with the ship. Can't ya just see it? The Love Boat would NOT be complete without a guest appearance by Charro. How could the henchman who kept trying to keep Rose and Jack apart take himself seriously with a half dressed Charro coochiecooching him? Then I would be laughing not screaming at the movie. I could accept every implausibility and suspend my disbelief.

The potential for a sequel would be so much more promising.

Gilligan's Iceberg, anyone?

1 comment:

  1. Couldn't agree more, darling Fresh. Each time I am forced to sit through it (by girlfriends and family who describe it as such a wonderful romance!) I am amazed by how stupid it is. I still don't know how it did what it did in respect of audience and income. Was that the year no other film was made? Having said all that, I'd definitely go see your version!

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