July 30, 2008

My First Bra

my first bra
There comes a day in every prepubescent girl's life when she needs a bra. Or she thinks she does. Or she has run out of layers of clothing to wear. Usually that day comes well before she REALLY needs one, but that is another story.

If that young girl is anything like Mama Fresh, we marched off to the foundation department at the local department store. It was a big deal day, the day you are "almost a woman". There you have your first meeting with the omnipresent Bra Lady.

For those of you who don't have breasts, I will describe The Bra Lady. She usually is about 65. She wears cat eyed glasses on a chain around her neck, and sensible shoes on her feet. Her other accessory is a tape measure, also around her neck. She has the sort of hair that is "done" every week at the beauty salon, and she sleeps with a hair net to keep her "do" done, until the following week.

She wears serious bras, with a minimum of 4-5 hooks and straps about 2 inches wide and her breasts are unavoidable. Clearly if you need a bra, she is the most authoratative person to help you. She wrapped the tape around my ribcage just below my breasts, then around the "fullest" part of my nonexistent breasts. I'm surprised they don't have a mannequin's pedestal for girls to stand on display. After she made a few calculations, she sent me to a dressing room. I waited while she hunted down appropriate foundation garments. She brought the slingshot assortment to the dressing room and told me to try them on and then let her see how they fit. I untangled the elastic and wrestled with the hooks and had my bra on. I noticed there was room for growth in the cup, as it puckered over my breasts that didn't exist yet.

I stepped out and The Bra Lady informs me that maybe a AA cup would be better. She bellows this from the doorway and I detect a slight German accent. Though she doesn't have a megaphone, her voice carries well enough without one. Finally, an appropriate torture device is found and I emerged from the dressing room.

I'm fairly certain she had her assistant go out in the mall and gather every cute boy she could find to announce "FreshGirl" is getting her very first bra, hurry and watch from the aisle, because sure enough, I had an unexpected audience. This also is The Bra Lady's cue to say, I hope that 28AAA works well for you. See you when you start to grow again.

The traumatizing experience with The Bra Lady, at least in my opinion, is why VS stores are so popular. Or going braless.

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