May 4, 2011

The First Official Mean Mom Contest

Dear Friends, Readers, and fellow Mothers:

First, I must declare that Procrastination Rocks! I had intended to post this two weeks before Mother's Day, when life intruded. However, since I also believe that mothers are entitled to way more than one day, I am declaring May MOTHER'S MONTH. Yes, you read that right. I am allowed to do that because, oh yeah, I own this space and I can do whatever I want. So I am giving us the rest of the month.

I have written in the past about this unpublicized Mean Mom contest. I never publicized it in the past, but rather self-anointed and proclaimed the award mine. I selfishly kept the honor for myself. I am the reigning Mean Mom. I have a tiara and scepter to prove it, in the world where the sky is not blue. (The tiara and scepter actually are a hair scrunchie and mop... it's called artistic license). I also have a loyal steed. Otherwise known as the canine who I walk, feed, and neatly package his droppings after I pick them up. Yes, life is good when you're the reigning Mean Mom.

How did I get this incredible honor, you ask? Practice. Fifteen-point-five years of practice. The day spawn number one was born, I began training for this honor. I fully accepted the title around the time aforementioned spawn reached first grade. The transition from trainee to award winning Mean Mom was seamless. I simply told my daughter that I didn't care if it was vacation, she still had to brush her teeth. I have continued my meanness through the years, but that first moment of mean will remain cherished. I knew I had arrived.

I realize how effortless it appears. But I suspect I'm not the only Mean Mom out there. I think I have comrades. I am inviting you to step forward  and share why you also are a Mean Mom.

Because I feel that no Mean deed should go unrewarded, I am offering a prize to the mom who wrestles the award away from my clenched fist. You not only will receive the Mean Mom of 2011 award, but I also will give you a a percentage of my earnings from the Mean Mom stipend. You too will receive an unlimited supply of "rolling eyes" "whatevers" "under the breath mutterings" AND...

A $20 Groupon gift certificate to patronize a local business in your area. Groupon offers daily deals on salons, restaurants, and other businesses at a tremendous discount.

If you're not a Groupon member, it's easy to sign up, and it's easy to find deals by zipcode. As a disclosure, I am a Groupon affiliate. I believe in their mission because I work hard to keep my consumer dollars in the local community. This award is a win/win. You will get a lot for your $20 and help your local economy.

To enter the Mean Mom of 2011 contest, I ask you to submit a comment (link to your own blog if you wish or share your story in the comments) about why you should dethrone me as reigning Mean Mom. I will choose the winner on the last day of May, 2011. You should alert me to your brand of Mean before the month is over in a comment here on the blog. Since I'm Mean, I can make the rules. My Mean isn't just for the kids, it's for my readers, as well. I must keep my tool sharp. So follow the rules, tell me why you're more Mean than me, and I'll send you $20 to use on a Groupon deal.


  1. grrrr... just spent 21 minutes typing all the reasons why i'm meaner then you and it vanished...

  2. meanest mom ever- take 2.

    i make them brush their teeth on vacation and every other day... with 'nasty' 'healthy' toothpaste.

    i make them do chores and when they don't they pay me to do them.

    i tell them to clean their room, and when they don't i come along with a trash bag and throw away everything left about--- after all it is that important you'd pick it up, right?

    i use to threaten to send them to 'the pink house' but now the pink house is white and it's lost it's appeal.

    they can each recite the following dialogue(credit to julie barnhill); 'who is the boss?' "you"(sometime they get smart and say daddy), 'who is going to win?' "you" 'why?' "because you are the boss"

    i've made my son continue to pick up dog poo after he vomited, after all i've changed many a diaper that made me want to vomit-- dont' even get me started on the number of times daily i'd throw up while carrying each of them.

    i made each of them wean on or before their 3rd birthday.. whether or not they were ready.

    i didn't potty train them until they were ready... which became socially unacceptable for them and me.

    i didn't vaccinate them or circumcise them because i figured it should be their choice to have toxins injected into their little bodies and pieces of skin removed with out their consent... this is very embarrassing in middle school science class.

    i read their email (demand to know pass codes), texts and demand to know where they are... always.

    i don't let them run a muck in the neighborhood, at crocker park, the mall or any other place.

    i make them change their underwear daily.. this is very troubling for a certain child with sensory issues?

    i make them write thank you notes, or call and say thank you.

    i make them hug and kiss their grandparents.

    i make them say, 'sorry' and 'will you please forgive me?'

    when someone comes to me (or calls) and says, 'so and so did such and such' i almost always say, 'what did you do first?'

    i've pulled over the car and said, 'would you like to drive, if you know a better way by all means...'

    or 'i can't move this car until it's safe to drive'

    i've charged gas money for multiple trips to a school with forgotten items.

    i make them get a good night sleep and eat a healthy breakfast.

    i make them pack their own lunches, and when they don't eat it they get it for dinner.

    i make them take vitamins.

    i eat, throw out, or give to the homeless their halloween, christmas and easter candy.

    i make them 'eat their meat before they can have any pudding' ... actually they seldom have dessert.

    i've blocked both disney and nick... at the same time... *gasp*

    i monitor what they watch.

    i've taken away things, (ds in particular) then forgotten where i hid them.

    i've said to a whiny misbehaving child in the store, 'what exactly do you think your mother will say when we get back and tell her how you've been behaving?'

    i make them go to church.

    i try to frequently remind them, 'it's not all about you'

    i make them pray.

    i make them use manners.

    i frown upon sleepovers.

    i don't let them 'date' in 4,5,6,or even 7th grade-- **gasp**

    i make them feed, water, and clean up after the pets they insisted they wanted.

    i make them sit down and eat dinner-- together.

    i've taken off doors that get slammed.

    i yell.

    i sometimes swear.

    i sometimes cry.

    i sometime spank.

    and often tell them 'sorry- God choose me to be your mom (or him to be your brother, or sister) and if you don't like it take it up with Him'--- which makes them pray ;)

    there is probably more.

  3. (grr, mine disappeared too!) But Julie, you've thrown down quite a gauntlet. I will admit, I never circumcised my children, either.

    Oh right, they are girls. Nevermind. :)

  4. thought of more...
    they aren't allowed to eat at mcdonalds-- in fact when the 7 yr old said 'mcyd's' the 4 yr old knew not of what he spoke.

    the tooth fairy never comes.. the oldest i believe has 10 teeth in her room.

    i threaten to drive them to school naked if they don't get dressed and brush their teeth.

    i don't check their backpacks, help with homework or complete school projects for them.

    did i win yet?

  5. I'd like to win this so I asked A what it is that I do that makes me mean. She pondered for a few and said it's that I make her think too often.

    I'll take it. Where's my $20?

  6. LOL... Julie smoked the first one, but save your mean self for the second one! Look for it around Mother's Day, when we can celebrate our Mean Selves!


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